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Many others do, too
Saying “No”
My best friend is an expert at boundaries. She knows when to say “yes” and “no.” I have always admired her for maintaining such strong boundaries since college. She’s even been able to help articulate my boundaries when I couldn’t vocalize them.
Why are boundaries so hard? Well, you learn them early in life, like a few people, or later in life, like most people. Implementing boundaries is more challenging when you’ve practiced not implementing them for most of your life.
At some point, your boundaries will likely be ignored or run over. Someone will try to misuse or abuse your boundaries for their gain. Sometimes, their intentions are not malicious; other times, they aren’t.
The critical factor to ask yourself is how others’ actions towards you make you feel. Our feelings can frequently be the best determinant of how well we enforce our boundaries.
When you start feeling yourself, become resentful, bitter, heated up, tense, or uncomfortable:
When someone asks if you can take on another project you can’t handle, but you say “yes” anyway.
When someone asks you to bring a home-cooked meal to an event, and you’re already over-committed, but you still say “yes.”
When you intake and pick up everyone’s alcohol request for the party, and you say “yes” even though you’re struggling financially.
When you allow your parents to dictate the organization of your wedding, which aligns with nothing you had in mind, but you don’t speak up.
When you don’t like something your spouse does but never mention it
When you’ve been sitting at a bar unserved, and the bartender serves the next person who walks in instead of you, and you don’t say anything.
Well, all of these are perfect examples of not implementing boundaries.
Without boundaries, you have no identity. You have no control of your life because you are out of control. Boundaries help guard the authenticity of your being and create the opportunity for you to sit in the driver’s seat.
Boundaries communicate what is and isn’t okay or acceptable when interacting with you.
Sometimes, we fail to communicate our boundaries with others because we don’t want to rock the boat, we don’t want to lose people, or we fear rejection.
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But do you want to keep people who don’t respect your boundaries around? People can disagree or agree with this statement, but a person doesn’t truly love and respect you if they don’t respect your boundaries.
Unfortunately, even the kindest and most good-hearted people can disrespect your boundaries if you don’t consistently enforce them.
You also can’t control how a person responds and reacts to the enforcement of your boundaries. Some people will quickly follow and accept your boundaries, while others will retaliate. Pay attention to the ones who retaliate and the ones who follow and respect your boundaries. The ones that respect your boundaries are more likely to respect and value you as a person.
There have been times when I failed to speak up out of fear, and whenever I fail to speak up, I fail myself. You lose a little piece of yourself whenever you allow another person to walk over your boundary.
People without boundaries are frequently run down, stressed, anxious, and imbalanced. The only way to reverse these symptoms is to regain control of your life.
Start implementing boundaries with small stuff and work your way up. The more you practice implementing boundaries, the stronger you will become at implementing them when it matters most.
And remember to be unafraid of who doesn’t and doesn’t like you based on the boundaries you set. Focus more on if you like yourself; that’s the person you start and end your day with daily.
Two Final Pieces of Advice
One of the most powerful words you can say to yourself and others is “no.” Practice saying this word “often.”
Boundaries start with you. If you can’t say “no” to yourself, you will struggle with saying “no” to others. Learn to say “no” to unhealthy habits, addictions, thoughts, and behaviors.
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This content is for informational purposes only — not professional advice. Consult a qualified professional before making any major decisions.