This piece is part of my 2016–2026 archive migration. Some original formatting, content, and external links may be missing, changed, or not be optimized.
Four things you need to stop and start doing to thrive in your romantic life
Yeah, you were toxic, too. Anyone in a toxic relationship has some toxic traits, too; it’s never one-sided.
You might’ve dated a controlling partner. So now, when your new partner does something that might “come off” as controlling, you freak out, lash out, or shut down instead of exploring your new partner’s intentions without being presumptuous.
Avoid Comparing Your Partner To Your Previous Ones
One of the most powerful things you can do in a relationship is not compare your new partner with a previous one; if you do, keep it to yourself. Never voice it. As soon as you do, you start polluting your new relationship with old drama, which never helps a relationship flourish.
Someone I dated consistently brought up previous partners and the hurt these partners did to them. Until they work out that shit within themselves, they will never be able to experience a healthy relationship with someone else. No one wants to hear about your past relationships repeatedly; it quickly becomes a broken record.
If needed, go to therapy, journal, and work on these issues without intoxicating your current situation with these thoughts, feelings, PTSD, hurts, and pains.
Communicate About Your Past, Then Leave It
Some things need to be communicated in new relationships to help both partners better understand each other.
Talk about what has bothered you in previous situations.
Talk about your boundaries, standards, expectations, preferences, how you like to be loved, and anything positive that will help increase understanding between you both.
Avoid chatting about all the things you disliked or liked about previous partners.
Avoid chatting about your physical insecurities; work through them and discuss them with non-biased sources. Confidence is one of the healthiest characteristics to bring to a new relationship.
Insecurities & Other Shit Transforms Into Projection
I deal with my insecurities internally, but not wholly dealing with all of them manifested itself in the types of people I used to attract, which was confident people, yet very insecure.
One of the people I dated was never comfortable with my friends, who were genuine people. The funny thing is most of their friends were fake; they didn’t have many genuine friends.
Another person was intimidated by my physique because they were overweight. Their insecurities manifested dangerously; instead of working to improve their physique consistently, they tried to diminish the effort I put into working on my physique.
But they also had some other shit going on:
They were intimidated by my financial independence, so they felt a need to constantly reiterate how many figures they made and what they could buy me. My immunity to these antics frustrated them.
They were intimidated by my intelligence, so they consistently felt the need to try and make me feel less intelligent. The women they dated, in part, were entirely financially and mentally dependent on them. They appreciated these traits within me but didn’t know how to handle them and resorted to allowing their insecurities to dominate their behaviors.
Work Out Your Shit As Soon As Possible
A friend recently told me she is struggling because she finally found a good man, but she knows she has toxic traits.
The sooner you can work out your insecurities and other bullshit, the sooner you can experience healthier relationships with people who come into your life, and the longer they will stick around.
Healthy People Won’t Usually Wait For You
Here’s the thing about healthy people, when they date less healthy people, they will be patient with you for a little while (because they always end up teaching a needed lesson before they go), but they all have their limits.
You will continue to lose good dating opportunities until you work out your shit.
Whenever I end up dating a less healthy individual (you can’t always tell you’re dating a less healthy person, which is why you should take a slow roast approach to every new situation, so you can observe with full awareness, logic, and less emotion), I always ensure I leave them off better than I met them. Fortunately, the lives of every person I’ve dated have improved because I’m committed to personal development. Naturally, some of that rubs off on them in some way. And I aim to also take away something from every situation because we can learn from everyone. I repeat: everyone.
If you’re a healthier person, you have the upper hand. You tend to be more immune to unhealthy behaviors, which essentially don’t affect you, which means you can invest in the less healthy person’s life before you dip out.
A healthy person quickly knows when something will last and when it won’t.
The person who tried to make me feel insecure about my body because they were insecure about their own helped me be more confident, which is something we could all use more of, body confidence.
The person who tried to make me feel less intelligent helped me trust in myself more.
Don’t Settle. Don’t Compromise.
One guy told me he had a habit of dating chaotic, unstable, and unpredictable people, and I asked why he kept up that pattern. He told me he liked who they were when they were sober.
Always go for the whole package.
Never compromise when it comes to relationships. This might seem harsh, but it’s some of the best advice I’ll ever give. If you never settle, you’ll avoid a lot of dumb shit, which people frequently run into regarding relationships.
Your romantic relationship/partnership is the most important relationship you will ever have. It can make or break you. Some people become better after getting into a relationship with someone, and their lives are elevated. Others become worse, and their whole lives fall apart. Choose wisely.
The better you become, the better your relationships
This content is for informational purposes only — not professional advice. Consult a qualified professional before making any major decisions.