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Self-Improvement
How To Overcome: Anxiety, Embarrassment, Failure & Fear
Using vulnerable moments and experiences to make critical pivots
Anyone that knows me personally knows that I play the piano. Now, I don’t play the piano as much as I write, but it used to be the complete opposite.
When I was taking piano lessons, we had a recital each year. Only this year, I decided to take singing lessons because I wanted to mix it up. So my brother and I were to perform a duet. He would play the piano, and I would sing instead of playing the piano like I usually did.
The song we selected for this Christmas recital was “Away In A Manager” in the key of G. It would be a straightforward recital (at least I thought).
Well, our turn finally came, and I was really feeling myself. So, instead of singing how I practiced, I tried to sing like Christina Aguilera and ended up NOT hitting a note that was too high for me.
That was embarrassing!
And in front of so many people I both knew and didn’t know, too. I will say, though, I handled the situation well (considering) and acted like nothing happened afterward (that was the only option I had in mind at the time).
Lesson Learned
Do what you practice, and stick to the script (at least when it makes sense). Also, realize what your strengths and weaknesses are. We all have different gifts and talents, and when we acknowledge this, we will go so much farther and save ourselves unnecessary embarrassment!
My Key Mess-up
After our music director left my church, I took over the piano position. And boy, was I ready! I wasn’t ready for the music director to leave, but I had been practicing, which prepared me for a moment like this. Looking back, I did considerably well as the lead pianist, but I did have times where I would have slip-ups. Most were unrecognizable to an untrained ear, but a few were recognizable.
I remember messing up one specific time and having someone in the audience look directly at me. I felt as if they were looking at my mistake dead center in the eye. I kept going, though; I knew how to do that easily on the piano.
Lesson Learned
When you mess up, keep going. Don’t belabor the mistake or invest more attention into it. Keep moving forward, even when others have their eyes on you. One of the best things you can do when you make an error is to acknowledge it (at the right time), learn from it, maintain your confidence, and move forward.
Imagine if I had lost all confidence and gotten wrapped up in my mistake and the person glaring at me? That could have taken an entirely different turn and messed up the flow of music I was providing to the community.
Mess up and keep going.
“Column” Is An Easy Word
I’m not a word expert, but I know how to spell decently. I always read well above my grade level because reading was a hobby; it is still today. My love for reading had always been consistent, expanding and cultivating my vocabulary at such a young age.
In the fourth-grade spelling bee, when it came to my turn for the word “column,” I went blank and acted as if I did not know how to spell the word.
How could I do this to myself, the young writer, the reader, the “up-and-coming vocab girl”? I don’t know, but I missed out on the opportunity to progress in the spelling bee and for such a simple word that I knew.
Lesson Learned
Always be prepared for your moment – especially moments you are prepared for. Don’t let intimidation and imaginary pressure lead you to forget everything you’ve learned until that special moment.
Did I know how to spell the word “column”? I sure did, but I let the moment get the better of me and lost out on an opportunity. No, it wasn’t significant, but how often do we miss out on good opportunities due to folding under the imaginary pressure we subject ourselves to.
We are so much greater than we think we are, and we don’t need to be complete perfectionists. When you study, learn, prepare, or master anything, act like it, so when the opportunity presents itself, you are ready to seize it at the throat.
“Column” was way too easy to miss.
Total Public-Policy Fail
At the time, I was in my senior year of college, and since I was graduating with three majors, I needed to take 23 credit hours. For some, this isn’t a lot (the average credit hours taken per semester is usually 9–15 hours), and I wouldn’t say it was a ton for me either. But HEY, I needed to graduate with three degrees I committed to completing! I was also working on acquiring $12,000 for a study abroad trip to China, working part-time, commuting 100-miles back and forth to school a couple of days a week, running a music teaching business, and trying to have a life all at the same time.
Hence, there was quite a bit of action in my life at the time. Anyways, I was taking a class on public policy because one of my majors is Political Science.
I had a group presentation, and for this presentation, I only had one line to say. I was ready; this was way too easy! However, when I got up there with my group, I completely forgot my one sentence. This story reminds me of the “Column” incident, and it may remind you of the next one, too.
Was this class hard? No. Was the one sentence about a complex subject? No. But I failed to come through for my group and this presentation. We still passed, but I was devasted by how I could not have that one-liner down pact.
Lesson Learned
Clearly, too much had taken place in my life at the time. I was juggling many responsibilities and a venture that would take me abroad in a couple of months. Could I have planned and studied more? Sure! But what I learned most from this story is how critical maintaining balance in your life and mind is. Be in control of your life. Do not let your life control you.
I wasn’t taking much time to myself during that period. I also wasn’t investing in my self-care like I should have been. I was working out each day, but I still was not taking time to relax and clear my mind as I needed to. Lo and behold, this lack of self-care crept up on me in my college presentation.
If you juggle a ton of sh*t in your life, please include self-care and mental health in your juggle, so you don’t shut down at the critical moments as I did here in this story.
Hello Anxiety: My Dan Harris Moment
I think many of us reach a point in our careers where we know we need to make a change, leave a particular company, and go in a new direction.
I’m about to describe the situation that happened to me during a status update at work. At the time, I was not sure why the attack happened because I was simply reading off a screen, but I could not breathe. I was simply giving a regular status update, and the air kept escaping my lungs too quickly. All of my words ended up being delivered like chopped carrots. I did the best I could to get out every word of my update, but boy, I was fighting through that anxiety attack. And it came out of nowhere, but looking back, it didn’t. I felt like Dan Harris.
I wrote a poem about this panic attack to describe how this moment felt:
My heart pounds
My lungs collapse
My breathing stops
My mind is kidnapped
My soul evaporates
My life breaks
Anxiety overtakes
When I had these status update meetings, I recall I often felt anxiety, nervousness, and unnecessary stress; these were the most consistent feelings I experienced at this job.
After this event and a couple more defining moments, I realized I needed to leave the company. Was the company terrible? No. In fact, it had been the best company I had worked at up until that point. But was the company, the people, and the work right for me? No, they weren’t.
My anxiety was continually escalating until this event took place when my lungs did, indeed, feel like they were about to collapse. And I am here to tell you today, never feel this way for something as simple as work.
Lesson Learned
Monitor your thoughts and feelings. Be an internal regulator for yourself. Know who you are and where you are at any given time. Anxiety attacks aren’t usually random; they often creep up on you while you ignore the signs.
Whether it’s a job, a relationship, a commitment, etc., ask yourself how you feel about it. What is your most dominant frame of mind? Is it adding value or detracting value from your life? Does it bring you joy, or does it bring you misery? Does it bring you peace, or does it bring anxiety? Does it give your stomachaches, headaches, and other kinds of aches?
Sometimes we don’t even realize how much we voluntarily participate in things directly subtracting from our quality of life.
Adult Acne Woes
I have struggled with acne for most of my life. I’ve had years of really great skin and years of horrible skin. I started going to the dermatologist very early. But at a certain point, I desired to be completely independent. I chose not to continue skin medications or see a dermatologist, and boy did it show (damn my stubbornness).
For a while, my skin was thriving; it was doing just fine. But bodies and hormones evolve with time, and my skin got progressively worse. It got so bad that I stopped realizing how bad it was because I had gotten used to it.
Dealing with acne for a large portion of my life took a toll on my confidence at times, but it also taught me how to be more confident despite having a face full of acne. I dealt with a lot of embarrassment because though people would look at me in the eyes, I felt they could only see my face.
Today, I know it doesn’t matter, but I projected how I saw myself at the time and assumed other people viewed me the same. Maybe they did see a woman full of acne, but that doesn’t matter.
Lesson Learned
How often do we do this to ourselves? We see all of our flaws with laser-vision and assume people see all of our flaws with laser-vision as well; this behavior can be such an inhibitor to achieving enriching and meaningful relationships with others and living a full life.
None of us can safely assume what another person is thinking because we only know what is happening within our minds. And many of our flaws aren’t flaws at all.
We aren’t perfect in any way, and all of us will always have imperfections. What matters is that we work to improve our internal imperfections.
Note: I eventually went to the dermatologist, and it was a positive experience. If you can get help, get help. Don’t try to do it all on your own – especially when you aren’t the expert.
Overcoming Embarrassment, Anxiety, Fear, & Failure
Embarrassment, anxiety, fear, and failure are always ready and willing to take us out at any moment to prevent us from living to our full potential, living most joyfully, making new decisions, moving forward, and standing back up after we fall.
Many people have had more embarrassing moments or more significant “failures” than these stories, but the gist is not defining yourself by a mere moment. All of the stuff we stress over is really all small stuff in the big scheme of things.
If you’re struggling with any of these [embarrassment, anxiety, fear, & failure], it’s time for you to get off your a**, stop judging and criticizing yourself, and make a new decision – to live your most victorious life. Start today!
This content is for informational purposes only — not professional advice. Consult a qualified professional before making any major decisions.