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Take care of yourself before you take care of someone else!
Half of all households are now headed by women. Even among married two-earner households, it is increasingly common to see women as the [financial] head. Among married households, the share of women heads of household increased 24.3 percentage points, from 21.8 percent in 1990 to 46.1 percent in 2019 (Source: Urban.org)
I recently wrote the article, “Women Financially Dependent On Someone: This Is For You,” which talks about establishing your financial independence so you’re never putting your life in someone else’s hands. Yes, that’s right. I said “your life” because when you are financially dependent on someone, there are often strings attached, and you probably will have fewer options because you’re relying on someone else to provide for you.
But I got an interesting and exceptionally relevant comment, which inspired this follow up piece from, Rachel Anderson:
“[…] Often you have to put up with a lot of bullsh*t that you wouldn’t have to if you had your own resources.” –ME
^ that part.
In my case, I spent years being financially “up” and supporting my partner, who was establishing himself as an entrepreneur. Well guess what… dude established himself on my shoulders and turned tables when we had kids and I stayed home. Now, a near-decade later, dumped with no resources of my own and two little boys.
Rachel Anderson
This is the other side. Men, women, and nonbinary individuals are becoming increasingly more financially dependent on women because we’re f*cking killing it in the game of finances. We’re providing more and more for ourselves and love the empowerment it gives us.
But for those of us who struggle with boundaries, we must be careful.
It’s not a mystery that women can be quite generous with their partners. For example, I know a woman who earns probably double or triple than of her husband, and she is funding his lifestyle, no doubt. Yet, her husband has multiple women on the side – even though she disapproves. She puts up with it because she loves him and doesn’t want to be alone.
Another perfect example is the show “Insecure.” The main character supported her boyfriend while he was “looking for work” (which seemed to be a never-ending situation). She was paying for all the bills, food, housing, etc. They ended up breaking up, and after they did, he had a strong come-up and got a fantastic career opportunity. What did she gain? A lesson and that’s it. I hope she doesn’t do that again.
It’s okay to take care of others, but it’s not okay to take care of others when you’re not taking care of yourself.
Before you hand over your life savings, paycheck, bank information, and credit cards to your partner, ensure the following:
Have separate accounts in your name that only you have access to.
Save for your financial future before giving any handouts.
Stay on track with your investment goals, and don’t compromise on them.
If you’re giving out of guilt or because you fear your partner’s reaction, if you don’t give, stop. Maybe even go to therapy.
The most critical action for anyone who has someone financially reliant on them is to ensure they are taking care of themselves if the relationship doesn’t work out or does work out. Either way, prioritize your financial well-being to avoid feelings of bitterness, regret, missed opportunities, and playing financial catch-up.
People I dated used to call me cheap and selfish back in the day when I had fewer resources, but I didn’t care. My goal was to ensure I took care of myself before taking care of others. Now I can do both successfully without harming my financial present and future.
Make sure you’re coming up financially and not just enabling someone else’s come-up.
Women: The game of money is serious business. Don’t play around when it comes to money; it is one way to take back the reigns of your life in a world where we often have less than others. Take care of yourself before you take care of someone else!
Thank you for sharing your side of the story, Rachel Anderson!
Relevant Pieces:
I Enjoy Paying For My Own Sh*Everything Women Need To Know About Money
This content is for informational purposes only — not professional advice. Consult a qualified professional before making any major decisions.